Recovering

  

Hello Hello! (Triggerwarning force in the psychiatry)

It's been a difficult year. As many have seen my manic/psychotic phase, especially through my social media posts that looked really awfully weird in like August or September, even Oktober of last year, I feel and felt shame for these weird posts, but I am coming to be ok with it. I think I am recovering and rediscovering my power in these couple of last days. Well I think I have also went an important path the last year to be able to excellerate my well being now, so I want to also be thankful for the little steps I've been taking in the past year. I haven't been noticing the differences. But I'm sure, there have been big differences and massive steps in total.

I am finding my voice again.

I am figuring out, who I am and want to be again. Figuring out my values and my yes' and nos.

Things are getting to how I like them to be, because I am choosing myself with my experiences that I've made as a sort of base.

An important question that I wonder about:

Am I going to finish Ex In? At the moment, it seems like I don't stand for the same things. For me, it feels like people are not always in the position to know best for themselves. Ex In (an Ausbildung to be able to use your experiences with mental issues and psychiatrical experiences to help others) and by the way, also the law that changes towards 'Selbstbestimmung' (Self determination) say that people should be in the position to make choices for themselves (e.g. taking meds or not), even like when they are totally far from reality, e.g. in psychosis. Force can only be used upon someone if the person is a hazard to themselves or others. But please don't pin me down on the exact saying.

So I think I am pretty much making enemies with a lot of readers here, but the experience I've made is that I didn't always know the best solution for myself. I was forcefully brought to take meds to be able to be fine again. And that's my personal experience. It felt like giving myself up then. I started taking meds even though I was forced and didnt' genuinely want to. But at the same time it was the first step towards getting out of the clinic once more and also to getting back to reality. I later realised that it was the best decision I could make to take my meds again.

I have the feeling, that a lot of the people that do the Ex In Year (standing for Experienced Involvement) have been lucky to have made the experience of getting better without or despite of the psychiatry. Or they have been lucky to be able to get off the meds too. It's one sided. My side of getting better because of psychiatry and meds and sorry to break it to ya, because of a degree of force done to me, is just as valid, no?

Well I don't ever want to be in a clinic again. I've been laughed at through the team in the clinic, I've been used force upon, I've been called a 'kid going through puberty' because I was so damn loud, rebelious etc through my condition. Still, the clinic brought me to meds. I don't know how else I would be able to be, without them. I don't know of any way of taking off my meds without going nuts at some point.

I do damn think, that there are many out there who have gone through such same experiences and who need meds to be able to live a meaningful life. Who also don't have as many side effects. I think that the psychiatrical landscape has to drastically change to become more of a safe space than a place to recover despite of the drama going on in the clinics.

This sounds terrible but I do think that strapping patients to a bed can be helpful. It's how it's done and how it's being communicated (e.g. how long, why, how the team who is strapping someone to a bed appear to be e.g. harmful or wanting well for the person, etc) to the patient that I see should change. I for myself have learned to just act peaceful and let myself be strapped for example helps save trauma on both sides, mine and also the team strapping.

If anyone genuinely can help me change my perspective on meds or the point of using force in a different manner, then please let me know. For example by any kinds of studies that have been made?

I don't know if I should finish the Ausbildung. What do you think? Should I? And why or why not?

Love and peace going out to ya'll.

Annettie